he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
