My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
