Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
