i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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