a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
