I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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