I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
