Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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