Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
