today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
