how can u be prego again
I cannot find my penis.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
