if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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