hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
