Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
