i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize