I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
