i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Damn victory sex feels great
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
