I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
