I need to stop coming to work sober
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
