She is in my trunk
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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