So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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