I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
