If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
