Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
