go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
