five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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