im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
