I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
