I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
