So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
