Old men and throwing up are my life now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
