Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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