dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
