You're my little dorito
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
