I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
