Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
