So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
