I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i dont even know how to be here
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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