Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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