im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
