Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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