i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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