I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
