me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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