call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
