When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
