You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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