can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i believe in u and ur pee
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
