If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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