Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
