He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
