I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
50% drunk capacity currently
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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