my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
