I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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