she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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