yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
