Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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