I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
